God Bless the Children

   During the first five years of my twin sons’ lives, I found the Holy Grail to my sanity, and their sanity, in one word: “Sleep.” It seems like every parent who has a happy family life and manageable child, has the sleep factor totally under control. After the terrible twos and threes, which had me drinking a lot of wine for survival purposes, I developed a perfect plan that helped maintain our sanity.

Sleep

     Step 1: Keep your children physically active during the day. Make sure they’re moving around the house, running outside on grassy spaces, and active with rudimentary sports, like riding a tricycle or big wheel or red wagon, or best of all, swimming in a pool.

     Step 2: Get your child in bed at the same time every night. It keeps their internal body time working like an atomic clock.

     Step 3: Give your child a warm bath filled with soap bubbles and plenty of fun toys 30 minutes before bedtime. It has an incredible calming effect, just like a hot bubbling Jacuzzi does for adults.

     Step 4: Read your child imaginative books with pages that pop out and do all kinds of creative things while they lie in bed. Reading serves as an excellent transition zone between wake and sleep.

     Step 5: As you exit the bedroom, tell your children how much you love them, and how you’ll be waiting for them with big open arms when they awaken the next morning.

    These five easy steps provided my twin sons an uninterrupted healthy sleep, and allowed my wife and me valuable personal and romantic time every night. I trust they will work for you too.   

Discipline

     When it comes to disciplining young children, every parent seems to have their own personal philosophy. Some parents spank their children. Other parents confine their children to a corner or space. Other parents lock their children away in their bedroom or a bathroom. Some parents escalate the problem: “If you don’t stop crying right now, I’m really going to give you something to cry about!” Some parents take away their children’s privileges, or even their love.  Some parents have even given up altogether, and simply do nothing, letting their children rule the household.  

    I readily admit I’m one of those parents who sentenced their children to the so-called “time out.” No spankings, never have and never will, but no doing nothing either. I can just hear my twin sons some day trying to explain to their wives and children how I disciplined them. “You won’t believe it. My Dad use to torture me by locking me away in the bathroom for hours.” Yes, I would believe it. I am guilty. But only for a matter of minutes, not hours, and only in their bedroom. Well, maybe once or twice in the bathroom, when I got tired of watching them destroy anything and everything they could get their little hands on in their bedroom. Replacing light bulbs and broken lamp shades got old pretty fast.

     Another super important disciplinary rule I learned from a child psychologist during my divorce was separating “love” and “action.” Many parents, when disciplining their children, tell them, “Mommy doesn’t love you anymore for what you just did.” Or “You’re in big trouble. Wait till your dad gets home. He’s not going to love you tonight when finds out what you did today.” The psychologist taught me that withdrawing love from children for their undesirable actions only damages the child’s mental and physical well being. Instead, the psychologist told me to say, “Daddy loves you so very much. But what you did today was not the right thing to do. There will be no ice cream privilege tonight. I know you can do better next time. Now come here and give me a great big hug. I love you.”

  Over the years, in addition to incorporating the recommendation made by my psychologist into my family life, I also developed a 6 step plan of discipline that definitely deterred my children’s improper actions, while maintaining the family peace when discipline was required in our household. It goes something like this:

     Step 1: Make clear rules. Make certain your children know exactly what is expected of them, and what is not expected of them. Show or tell them the rules when you’re calm, and your child is content and attentive. When I go on vacations with my boys, I tell them, “Look, dudes, I have three rules for our trip. First, we have fun, fun, fun. Second, when I tell you something to do, you do it without even thinking about it. Act first and think later. No questions asked. It might save your life. Third, when the day comes that you can beat me at arm wrestling, you can make all the rules. I promise you.” And we all shared a big high five together.

     Step 2: Reward good behavior.  Tell your children when they do good things that are expected of them. Many parents let their children do whatever they want, unless they do something wrong, and then they punish them. Children need us to compliment them when they conduct themselves properly, not only punish them when they do something wrong. Even when my children messed up, I always phrase my comments in a positive way. “Your hand will be so much happier if you keep it away from the kitchen stove.” Or “I think you’ll enjoy your day better if you stay out of the street where cars drive by.”

   Step 3: Neutralize disagreements. Many parents get sucked into arguments with their children. Avoid disagreements whenever possible. For example, if you put your child to bed at 7:30 p.m., and your child says, “Johnny’s mother lets him go to bed at 9:00 every night,” just say, “I know.” Or “What did I say?” Or my favorite line, “When you can beat me at arm wrestling, you can make the rules.”  In a nutshell, shut down any potential argument, and show plenty of love. When my children disagree with one another, I simply tell them, “Look, guys, there are many mean and nasty people in the world. You don’t want to be around them. Always remember, God put you on the Earth to love, protect, and help one another.” It must have worked, for they love, protect, and help one another all the time.

   Step 4: Buy time. Many parents discipline their children when they’re in a wound up fit of anger or rage. Calm down. Take a little time to regain your composure, before deciding what to do. Tell your child, “I need a little time to figure this out.  Go to your room until I decide what to do.”

     Step 5: keep consistent rules. Child experts tell us that dependable and reliable rules make children feel more secure and loved by their parents. Children with inconsistent rules will often test their parents in order to regain their feeling of security and love. As children age and mature, rules can then become more flexible.

     Step 6: Be a good role model. Yes, it’s true. Our children are watching our every move, and listening closely to our words. As the old saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.” The number one way our children learn from us is by imitating and copying us. For example, if you want your child to be polite and calm and honest, you need to be the same. If you don’t want your children screaming at you, don’t scream at them. If you don’t want your children punching and hitting other children, don’t punch and hit them. 

Mentoring

   When it comes to teaching and advising children, every parent seems to have their own personal philosophy.  Some parents explain everything rationally: “You remember our agreement, don’t you?” Other parents start a mediation session: “Wait. Listen to me. You’ll have your turn, after me.” Other parents bring down the hammer: “Because I said so!”

     One Saturday night, on my twin son’s 13^th birthday, I remember tucking them into their bunk beds, and telling them, “Look guys, today we enter a brand new phase of your life. From your birth until the age of 12, I was your Father. From this day forward until you reach the age of 21, I will be your Mentor. And once you reach 21, I hope to become your Friend for the rest of your life.”

     Regardless of our approach, I learned a valuable lesson from my study of Neuro-Linquistic Programming (“NLP”), a new method of psychology revealed to the world during the 1980s. The “Neuro” part comes from the belief that all human behavior stems from our sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch, and feeling. The “Linguistics” part comes from the belief that we use language to order our thoughts and behavior, and to communicate with others. NLP has been adopted by all kinds of professionals: by psychologists to help people; by attorneys to convince juries; by school teachers to instruct students; by motivational speakers to empower individuals; even by pickup artists to meet women.

     NLP can also help parents teach and advise their children. Here is how it works.  According to NLP, when it comes to learning, there are three basic types of people: visual, auditory, and feeling.  Let’s look closer at each one:

     Visual: People who are primarily visual oriented, understand the world better with pictures. They learn best when ideas are shown to them. These people tend to speak at a rapid pace. They speak with visual metaphors: “That looks right to me;” or “I see what you’re saying;” or “I observed it yesterday.”

   Auditory: People who are primarily auditory oriented, understand the world better with sound bites. They learn best when ideas are told to them. These people tend to speak at a normal pace. They speak with auditory metaphors: “That sounds right to me;” or “I hear what you’re saying;” or “I was told about it yesterday.”

   Feeling: People who are primarily feeling oriented, understand the world better when felt by their heart. They learn best when ideas are emotionally presented to them. These people tend to speak at a slow pace. They speak with emotional metaphors:  “That felt right to me;” or “I grasp what you’re saying;” or “I was touched by what happened yesterday.”

     By discovering the NLP method our children use to learn about the world, we can help them learn more rapidly, and with better comprehension and memory.

     I have used NLP many times in the courtroom during a jury trial to communicate with ALL the jurors. For example, I might say to the jurors during my opening statement, “As you view the extensive property damage to each vehicle, and listen carefully to the testimony of the witnesses, and grasp the pain and suffering experienced by my client, you will be able to reach a just verdict in this case.”

Morality

  When my twin son’s reached the midway point of their teenage years, I shared the moral principles I hoped to see in their lives: “Boys, you have lived such happy and successful lives. And I want you to be satisfied and content with whatever you do in life, and I am confident you will be. And I think now is a good time to share what’s important to me in your life. I only ask three things of you: One; no violence. Two; no drugs. And three; please wear a condom.”

    What makes the teenager years so very difficult for our children? I’m no child psychologist, that much is certain. But I’ve read my fair share of excellent parenting books about raising teenagers. I also lived my fair share of teenage experiences, and seen two of them in action for several years now. My take on teenage years? They must confront and resolve two of the biggest decisions of every adult’s life. First, “How in the world am I going to live on my own someday? It’s been so easy leaving that job to my parents for so many years.” Second, “How in the world am I going to find a girl to love, and who loves me, for the rest of my life? It’s been so easy loving my mom. She always loves me no matter what.” There’s no simple formula for how to deal with teenagers who agonize over these tough questions. I basically try to maintain my role of as their mentor, and not their father. First, I wait for my sons to approach me about these issues, instead of forcing a conversation upon them. Second, I remain a good listener, and wait for their request before stating my opinion. As I once told me parents as a rebellious teenager, “If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you!”

Divorce

  As far as divorced families are concerned, the best words of wisdom I ever learned came from a divorce counselor who advised me how to talk with my sons about their mother, especially when I disagree with her decisions or actions. Many divorced parents focus upon their personal interest, or try to convince their children to love them more than the other parent. Whenever possible, every conversation should be focused upon the children’s best interest, and not on the parent’s selfish concerns. No matter how much one spouse despises the other spouse, it’s always best to take the high road and talk positive about an ex-spouse.

    For example, let’s say a divorced father fails to pick up his children on time from their mother’s home. The mother should never say to her children: “Yea, kids, that’s one reason why we got a divorce. Your father is always late. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.” Instead, the mother should say: “Well, kids, I don’t know where your father is, but he should be here soon. He probably got stuck in traffic. Let’s just enjoy ourselves until he arrives.”